The Unvoiced But Powerful Presence of Shame

 “Solitary Confinement” by Bridget A. Koehler (2025)

Though shame is rarely spoken aloud, its presence shapes our thoughts, actions, and self-perception in profound and often invisible ways. Shame is an excruciating emotional state, rooted in the idea of “covering up.” It thrives in secrecy, hiding in shadows and keeping stories buried. Yet, it is an undeniable part of the human experience—especially for children of incarcerated parents.

This blog explores the deep emotional impact of shame, its role in isolation, and how it shapes self-worth and identity. Most importantly, it highlights the power of empathy, understanding, and connection in breaking the cycle, allowing those affected to step out of the shadows and reclaim their narratives.

What is Shame?

Shame can stem from relational trauma, such as the imprisonment of a parent. This traumatic experience can leave a child feeling ashamed, powerless, and feeling unworthy. In general, once experienced, shame confines us within our felt rawness of this emotion, reinforcing a deep sense of loneliness.

However, there is such a thing as ‘healthy shame,’ which can be described as a social mechanism that helps us navigate ethical behavior (Rothschield, 2000). But when shame is born out of rejection, perceived failure or betrayal, it becomes destructive. Brené Brown (2025) describes it as:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt

Janina Fisher (2014) explains that shame feels deeply personal because: “It’s about me.”

For children of incarcerated parents, shame is not just a personal burden but a societal one. In general, stigma may amplify their silent suffering, making them feel alone and isolated.

The Effects of Shame

When a child experiences the emotion of shame, it distorts her self-perception, convincing her that she is damaged, unlovable, or irreversibly flawed.

Moreover, public exposure to shame can make self-worth conditional, depending on how others perceive us. When we take on the belief of “I am inherently wrong”, it has become shame that shapes our identity, influencing how we navigate the world. Over time, we may begin to believe that these damaging messages represent the “truth,” further isolating ourselves.

Common Emotional Effects of Shame:

• A persistent sense of unworthiness
• Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity
• Deep distress and self-doubt
• Fear of rejection and abandonment

The Power of Shame

Chronic shame refers to feeling shame as a constant and possibly everlasting aspect of daily life rather than as a temporary occurrence that lasts for a limited time. In other words, introjected blame transformed into shame becomes deeply ingrained, shaping emotional responses over time (Dolezal et al., 2022).

Chronic shame can be especially potent for children. When shame takes on a life of its own, it distorts children’s sense of self, leading to feelings of self-loathing and a belief that they are inherently bad. For example, this voice of shame often manifests as internal criticism, humiliating a child with statements like, “You are no good” or “You are just a burden, selfish and uncontrollable.” Unsurprisingly, the need to hide or overcompensate becomes a survival strategy, influencing relationships and a sense of belonging.

Prisoners of Shame

This harsh, relentless criticism becomes even more deeply ingrained over time, shaping a child’s emotional responses and thinking. Deep shame can lead to people-pleasing to compensate for perceived “badness.” In addition, it just perpetuates a cycle of powerlessness and self-doubt.

The Silence of Shame

“Shame hurts. If our shame is exposed, the pain can be unbearable. To save ourselves, we push it away, covering it with more tolerable states of being.”
—DeYoung (2015)

Many children learn to silence their shame to avoid further exposure to more shaming. This silence may be self-imposed or encouraged by family members who wish to keep secrets hidden.

As they try to navigate and master shameful feelings, some children develop coping mechanisms to shield themselves from shame, but these survival strategies come with consequences. Many children remain silent to evade criticism. Other children only share certain aspects of their emotional trauma. Others turn to perfectionism, striving to prove their worth through over-achieving.

Accommodating people who are seen as more powerful and worthy of attention becomes another method, as the child seeks approval by prioritizing the needs of others. As a result, children abandon themselves because their own needs are neglected. Ashley (2020) notes that the wish to feel adequate reveals a more profound, hidden manifestation of fundamental shame.

Some children overcompensate by taking on adult responsibilities too early, hoping to gain control over their circumstances.

The Cost of Silence

Silence isolates. It convinces children that their pain is theirs alone to carry. Without the ability to share their experiences, they risk developing long-term emotional struggles, including anxiety, anger and depression, fear of vulnerability, and calling into question their sense of belonging and trust.

In a culture of secrecy, children of incarcerated parents suffer in silence, longing for connection yet fearing judgment. When the world tells them how children should feel and that their pain should be hidden, they learn the message that they are unworthy of being seen and heard.

“We are often shamed into silence as if our stories do not matter.”

-Breea C. Willingham (2024)

Breaking the Cycle: A Call for Empathy

Shame thrives in secrecy, but healing begins with visibility. We dismantle the walls that imprison them in silence by creating a space where children feel safe to express their experiences.

The heavy burden of secrecy and silence keeps shame alive. Nevertheless, when we speak up, we create space for healing. Let us be the voices that break the cycle.

Empathy, deeper understanding, and acceptance can rewrite the narrative of shame. Let us work toward a future where no child feels unworthy of love, connection, or belonging.

Further Reading and References

Ashley, P. (2020). Shame-Informed Therapy: Treatment Strategies to Overcome Core Shame and Reconstruct the Authentic Self.

Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt.

DeYoung, P. (2015). Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach

Dolezal, L. et al., (2022). Beyond a trauma-informed approach and towards shame-sensitive practice

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35791341

Fisher, J. (2014). How To Work With Shame. www.nicabm.com

Gatewood, B. J., Muhammad, B.M., Turner, S. M. (Ed.) (2024) Editing a collection: Black Children of Incarcerated Parents Speak Truth to Power.

https://lawcat.berkeley.edu/record/1273829

Rothschild, B. (2000). The body remembers: The psychophysiology of trauma and trauma treatment.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-04919-000

Willingham, B. C. (2024). Breaking the cycle: The impact of shame on children of incarcerated parents.