The Hidden Burdens: The Untold Stories of Parental Incarceration
When a child internalizes powerful, stigma-laden phrases such as “deviant and defective,” it can reinforce the feeling in a child of being “less” than everyone else. This raises an important question: Should we feel ashamed of our identity if we are deemed less worthy than others?
Additionally, when we filter our experiences through the lens of shame, this emotional burden can weigh heavily and reignite the fear, anger, and embarrassment linked to past traumatic events.
Silencing our trauma narratives seems to be a valuable decision to safeguard us from the emotional pain associated with the stigma of parental incarceration. Suppressing our experiences may act as a protective mechanism, shielding us from the emotional distress tied to the stigma of having an incarcerated parent.
The Way Out and Far Away: Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism
Many children feel discomfort when discussing a parent’s incarceration, often due to fear of judgment. Avoidance becomes a protective strategy, but it needs to be pointed out that this is not a moral failing (Van der Kolk, 2014). However, these survival tactics often lead to secrecy, reinforcing isolation and silence.
Project AVARY works to break the inter-generational cycle of violence and incarceration – one child at a time.
The Weight of Stigma: Why Children Stay Silent
As mentioned before, a lot of children choose not to share their parents’ incarceration, fearing embarrassment and humiliation (Knaphus-Soran, 2017). For example, in her dissertation “Stigma and the Educational Experience of Children of Incarcerated Parents,” Knaphus-Soran (2017, p 48) interviewed a group of young people who experienced parental incarceration.
Here are some revealing statements from young individuals about why they chose to remain silent:
As three young people shared:
Bianca:
“I felt like I had to hide it. Nobody could know—not even my best friends.”Richard:
“I didn’t think people would accept me because my dad was in prison. So, I never told anyone.”Alex:
“People ask, ‘Where’s your dad?’ I know, but I don’t want to say. It’s embarrassing.”
Clearly, for good reason, Bianca, Richard, and Alex decided to keep their stories quiet. These responses suggest that some children internalize the stigma associated with having incarcerated parents. They fear revealing the truth could harm their reputation (Knaphus-Soran, 2017).
soc.washington.edu/research/graduate/stigma-and-educational-experience-children-incarcerated-parents
Selective Story Telling: A Covert Form of Control
Also, some children reveal only selective details rather than completely hiding their reality while disguising others. This allows them to maintain a sense of control over their narrative.
Keeping parental incarceration a secret becomes a form of self-preservation, shielding them from potential judgment and marginalization. However, this secrecy can become so ingrained that children may not recognize the emotional toll it takes on them (Van der Kolk, 2014). Over time, revealing only part of the narrative may become habitual, creating a fragile sense of control while leaving deeper emotions unexpressed.
The Emotional Toll of Suppressed Trauma
Many children avoid sharing their trauma for fear of reliving painful emotions. The recounting of their experiences can trigger distress, making it feel as though the trauma is happening all over again. As a result, denial becomes a means of self-protection, a coping mechanism to suppress overwhelming emotions. However, avoiding these thoughts does not erase their impact—it merely delays the emotional healing process (Perry, 2009).
Furthermore, children often fear being asked questions they cannot answer, leading to increased anxiety and further withdrawal from social interactions. This creates a cycle of emotional suppression, making it even harder for them to process their experiences in a healthy way. Children often fear being asked questions they cannot answer, which can lead to increased anxiety and further withdrawal from social interactions. This creates a cycle of emotional suppression, making it even more difficult for them to process their experiences in a healthy way.
A Silent Struggle: When No One Asks
When no one wants to find out about how a child experiences the traumatic event, the child’s emotions and thoughts remain unheard. This fosters a sense of abandonment and distrust, leading them to feel unseen and unheard. This feeling can be so overwhelming that they may shrink themselves to avoid further emotional harm, withdrawing into loneliness.
“Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling that nobody cares.” – Unknown
The Hidden Cost of Seeking Approval
Self-stigmatization can create another survival strategy: the need to please others to compensate for one’s “insufficiency and badness”. This, in turn, can alter the way these children navigate the world. To be liked and accepted, they must suppress their own needs and prioritize the needs and demands of others. Sadly, this can lead to tolerating mistreatment and ongoing abuse in pursuit of validation.
Why Vulnerable Children Become Easy Targets
Children who struggle with insecurity often respond blindly to people who display kindness and show some understanding. In general, most younger children cannot question the motives behind ill will or recognize pretense. More so, if someone becomes important to them—whether a peer or an adult—they may feel compelled to trust and share their heartfelt stories, even when it costs them personally.
Their fear of being identified as the child of a convict and of not stirring up any conflict might stimulate behavior of obedience, such as giving in and overly agreeing with someone else’s opinion. This automatic deference can lead them into harmful dominant-submissive relationships, where they struggle to set boundaries and assert their own needs.
The Inner Conflict: To Share or Stay Silent?
For some children, secrecy and disclosure exist in constant conflict. On one hand, secrecy offers protection from stigma and bullying. On the other hand, it isolates them from those who could provide support—teachers, counselors, and trusted adults. The tension between hiding and revealing their truth creates an emotional burden that can be difficult to resolve.
The Consequences of Silence
Keeping a secret is like forcing a beach ball underwater or stretching a thick rubber band indefinitely—it takes immense effort and energy. As Van der Kolk (2014) and Cederstrom (2024) state:
“It takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror and the shame of utter weakness and vulnerability.”
Despite attempts to suppress painful feelings, the inner struggle remains. Children who unconsciously stay trapped in secrecy risk confusion about their identity. Consequently, in some way, they are psychologically forced to carry unresolved, intense emotions and thoughts, which prevents them from receiving the support they need to heal.
Breaking the Cycle of Silence
Silence does not have to be the end of the story. Acknowledging these children’s struggles and listening without judgment pave the way for healing and resilience. Creating safe spaces to share their experiences makes them feel heard and valued.
Empathy is key. When we shift from an “us versus them” mentality to a “we” mindset, we foster connection and understanding. By truly seeing the world through these children’s eyes, we validate their feelings and help them feel less alone.
We send a powerful message through presence and open dialogue: You are not alone.
Community Support: Compassion in Action
Organizations and counseling centers play a vital role in providing a range of services and resources to children and families affected by incarceration. Counselors and mentors with lived experience can offer understanding and help children process their complex thoughts and emotions.
Helping children find language for their “unspeakable stories” empowers them to break free from secrecy and shame. Recognizing their pain, offering guidance, and creating a sense of belonging can change the trajectory of their lives. Helping children articulate their “unspeakable stories” empowers them to escape secrecy and shame. Acknowledging their pain, providing guidance, and fostering a sense of belonging can alter the course of their lives.
By standing together in support, we can create a world where no child feels abandoned in their struggles.
Community Service Providers for Children of Incarcerated Parents
Programs available for children with an incarcerated parent and their families
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
- AFOI –Assisting Families of Inmates afoi.org
- CHILDREN OF PROMISE, NYC – Keeping the Promise www.cpnyc.org
- COI -Children of Inmates www.childrenofinmates.org
- PROJECT AVERY – Join the Circle. Break the Cycle. www.projectavary.org
- RAINBOWS – For All Children www.rainbows.org
- SARC – Foundation for Health, Equity, and Justice www.rainbows.org
- SKIP, Inc – Save Kids of Incarcerated Parents – A Commitment to Their Future www.rainbows.org
- WE GOT US NOW – Children of Incarcerated Parents www.wegotusnow.org
CANADA
- KIP CANADA – It Takes A Village www.kipcanada.org
EUROPE
- BARNADOS – Because childhood lasts a lifetime www.barnardos.org.uk
- COPE – Children of Prisoners Europe www.barnardos.org.uk
- PACT – Prison Advice and Care Trust prisonadvice.org.uk
- INCCIP – International Coalition for Children With Incarcerated Parents inccip.org
References
Cederstrom, C. (2024). Healing a Broken Spirit: A Look into Institutional Trauma and Spiritual Resilience (Thesis, Concordia University, St. Paul).
Knaphus-Soran, E., (2017) Stigma and the Educational Experience of Children of Incarcerated Parents
soc.washington.edu/research/graduate/stigma-and-educational-experience-children-incarcerated-parents
Perry, B.D., (2009). Examining Child Maltreatment Through a Neurodevelopmental Lens: Clinical Applications of the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics http://www.healing-arts.org/
Van der Kolk, B. (2014) The Body Keeps Score
